What Does That Mean?

"God!"

"What?"

"I used to eat there.  Really good noodles.  I have all these memories from my life.  But none of it happened.  What does that mean?"


I'm on a precipice.  I've been given the option by my Vocational Rehab counselor to consider opening a file at Mental Health and going on SSI.  My family is no longer willing to help me, and I cannot survive on my own with the difficulties that I have.  I have made huge improvement over the last 3 years, but not enough to impress the people who are helping me and not enough for me to make it.  As I've mentioned in other places, the size of the invisible boulder that my limbic system is trying to push uphill is just too big.  I am strong.  If you were trying to heft my boulder, I doubt you could do it as well as I have for as long as I have.  But I'm not strong enough. 

If it were just about me, then I think I would just let it all go.  So what if my family and friends have thought that I was just lazy or stubborn or stupid and now they are going to see a different projection.  I would just call "time of death" and wash my hands and walk away.  But there's way more at stake.  If all I wanted was to have my Disorder and be left alone, then I could cut my losses.  But I want more than that.  In fact, it's prolly partly the nature of my Disorder that makes me want more than that.  It's quite a trap.  And I think I see now that there is no way out.  Not, at least, in time to make enough money to pay for a roof over my head and food on my table.  Lets look at this as objectively as we can:

I have no We-space in my local life. 

Well, work has potential, but there's no actual yet. 

I don't have anything that holds me in the loving arms of it's awareness while I do things that risk failure.  I actually never have.  This has badly damaged my nervous system. 

For some reason I don't yet understand, I want it repaired.  I don't just want everything to feel better.  I won't take meds, and I don't self-medicate on a regular basis - only on occasion when it gets really bad.  Maybe that's because the nature of my Disorder causes me to want to be a good enough person to deserve to be here.  I don't know.  I can't shut it "off".  It's "on" and the handle's been broken off of the switch.  At any rate, it has lead me to some really beautiful, good and truthful places, so I'm not really complaining.

I think it's reparable, but the quickest means to do that is ridiculously costly and it seems to be only considered for children.  Adults are apparently closed off from that kind of healing.  I'll prolly never have that available to me.  If I ever do, then I will take it. 

The most likely way forward is to find my own way.  This means I will necessarily have to continue repressing the fear about taking Risks.  This will also mean that I won't respect people who don't take Risks in life, and that will keep the whole vortex of indifference and anger and hurt and fear that surrounds me spinning.  At least for a while.  Maybe I can find a way to heal. 

But I think the struggle to find a way to keep my limitations from wrecking the projections that my Tribe has for me in it's collective limbic system is over.  The show's over. 

Is there another kind of Tribe?  People who really understand that this is a drama that the limbic system is generating, and that there is more to being human than our deep triggers?  It's not that this projection isn't "real", it's that there is more about me that is real.  It cannot contain all of me.  Who am "I"? 

"The Matrix cannot tell you who you are."

Will I or won't I step over the edge?

~Ww