Whoever Has Ears, Let Them Hear.

But its prolly not you.  It may just be me.

I'm hearing that my life is exhausting.  I'm hearing that I sound crazy.  I'm hearing that I'm scary.  I'm hearing that I'm worth ignoring. 

That's very inneresting.  Someone inside of me experiences me that way, and I had long since stopped listening to them.  I'm sorry for that. 

Because since I stopped listening, they haven't had the benefit of my help in understanding.  They haven't had the opportunity to mature enough to hold space for such chaos and wildness.  They have stayed stuck in ignorance and - unfortunately - arrogance.  Yes, me.  That person is me.  There is really exhausting, crazy, scary stuff going on around me and in me that I arrogantly dismiss and ignore because at some point in my life I couldn't contain it - so I locked the person who sees it in the basement.  They operate down there without my supervision or consent.  They come out when my head is turned and act out.  They hurt people.  They're prolly just a scared child.  But they don't think they are.  They are wearing a Grown Up disguise and they've looked in the mirror and fooled themself. 

But so have my Primary Selves who don't have the burden of arrogance or fear to bear.  They have fooled themselves as well - the Benevolent and Non-Judgmental ones, the humble and fearless ones, the honest and spiritual ones.  They have been thinking that they own my character and that ability to see things as they are for a long time.  They've believed that they've been occasionally touched by some "spirit" from "the great beyond" when they are able to see clearly.  But really, it's just the Shadowed parts of myself that God gave to me to begin with - and I rejected - that are seeing things. 

What would happen if I invited that rejected Person back to the table to help with my life? 

Too scary.  Way too scary!  Big Black Hole there.  Lots of Anti-consciousness.  Something very bad happened there. 

So other people have had to take up that Voice to replace what I tried to purge from myself.  That's a heavy burden: arrogance and fear.  I'm sorry.  It'd be great if you were in a place where you could hear what is being said to you too.

It may take some time for me to get that Program back on line.  I know that God holds that space of Grace open for me to do what I have to do around this, but I don't know if others will.  ...I don't know if I will...  Lots of trial and error.  But I have to try.  It has been a deeply hated thing. 

Lord have Mercy on me.  And you too.

~Ww