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August 2007 
If You Take Sides, You Lose an I
Posted on Jun 6th, 2007
by 
Whitewave
Whitewave
Yesterday was one of the most amazing days I can remember in a long time. I watched the most extreme cases of human blindness happen all around me and at me. I just watched. And I tried not to contract down and satisfy myself with "ain't it aweful" kinds of thinking. Not because it wasn't aweful, or that the victims didn't deserve an advocate, but because by doing so, I would be energizing the opposition instead of resolving any conflict. (see previous entry)
I didn't merely hold in my anger. I watched it. It swelled within me. I contained the same urge to punish according to how I saw it. There's no doubt about it. I am them.
No. There has to be another way.
I'm seeing some good help from The Center for Nonviolent Communication. They have the Lower Right quadrant thing pretty much covered here. Really good help for the We-Space. And, it can inspire some transformation in the Lower Left, but it can't necessarily create or cause it. The best our technology can do in these situations is inspire. But like I said the other day, inspiration sometimes has a Shadow side of rejection which the subject is not necessarily conscious or aware of. Our Awareness is key. We can only see beyond choices that we understand. If we understand them, then the consequences will be manageable.
Today, I go to Court to lay down a restraining order on my boyfriend. The Legal system really wants me to paint him as this Bad, Evil person. I know better than to think that will solve anything. So, I'm asking that the Court merely honor my requests to restrain him because I don't want his behavior in my face right now; it's making it too difficult for me to do the things I need to do to get well. I don't hate him. I love him. But I need a safe, secure and supportive environment in which to do the vulnerable work of my own transformation. He cannot control himself and I can't afford to spend all my time and energy trying to control him either. I have urgent matters to take care of. So, I'm working on my wording and trying to give the Court the quantifyable elements they need to do their part. It's inneresting. I have to negotiate with the Judge not to hurt him or humiliate him. I just need him off me.
Both my Punisher and my Savior/Rescuer/Worthy Self are working together in this excercize. They are not fighting or competing. They both understand that the only way to win is for everyone to win. If anyone is sacrificed, then we all lose.
My Mother is trying to oppose me. She is working unconsciously out of terrible fear and anger, but she cannot wake up. Not yet, anyway. Maybe some other time. But I need to not get caught up in her vortex either. She still has some traction in me. Traction that is not for my good or cannot help me.
But what I really need to acknowledge is that I am doing this because I still lack something. It's coming from a place of need and lack. I somehow do not have what I need when he starts to go into Self-destruct mode and starts drawing me in. I cannot keep myself from going down. My own impulse to Self-destruct is still somewhat strong and I regress back there from time to time when I am deeply triggered. I do not yet have freedom from that compusion, so when he is doing it in my face, mine is energized and I cannot save myself. Not yet.
In time, I hope to gain more freedom so that I can sow less turmoil into conflict and get to resolution quicker. I have to do this without rejecting my Inner Fighter or Punisher. Otherwise I will be creating more Shadow from which more shit will fly.
I'm doing the right thing. But it is like trying to remove someone's infected apendix with a shovel. It would be great if we had better tools to do this with than shovels, but we really don't. Not yet. So, I want to be really careful. Shovels don't cure apendicitis, people do. I'm hoping that the Judge will see it my way, but if he insists that there must be a crime and there has to be a criminal, then I may have to call it off. That just won't solve anything.
There needs to be another way.
~Ww
I didn't merely hold in my anger. I watched it. It swelled within me. I contained the same urge to punish according to how I saw it. There's no doubt about it. I am them.
No. There has to be another way.
I'm seeing some good help from The Center for Nonviolent Communication. They have the Lower Right quadrant thing pretty much covered here. Really good help for the We-Space. And, it can inspire some transformation in the Lower Left, but it can't necessarily create or cause it. The best our technology can do in these situations is inspire. But like I said the other day, inspiration sometimes has a Shadow side of rejection which the subject is not necessarily conscious or aware of. Our Awareness is key. We can only see beyond choices that we understand. If we understand them, then the consequences will be manageable.
Today, I go to Court to lay down a restraining order on my boyfriend. The Legal system really wants me to paint him as this Bad, Evil person. I know better than to think that will solve anything. So, I'm asking that the Court merely honor my requests to restrain him because I don't want his behavior in my face right now; it's making it too difficult for me to do the things I need to do to get well. I don't hate him. I love him. But I need a safe, secure and supportive environment in which to do the vulnerable work of my own transformation. He cannot control himself and I can't afford to spend all my time and energy trying to control him either. I have urgent matters to take care of. So, I'm working on my wording and trying to give the Court the quantifyable elements they need to do their part. It's inneresting. I have to negotiate with the Judge not to hurt him or humiliate him. I just need him off me.
Both my Punisher and my Savior/Rescuer/Worthy Self are working together in this excercize. They are not fighting or competing. They both understand that the only way to win is for everyone to win. If anyone is sacrificed, then we all lose.
My Mother is trying to oppose me. She is working unconsciously out of terrible fear and anger, but she cannot wake up. Not yet, anyway. Maybe some other time. But I need to not get caught up in her vortex either. She still has some traction in me. Traction that is not for my good or cannot help me.
But what I really need to acknowledge is that I am doing this because I still lack something. It's coming from a place of need and lack. I somehow do not have what I need when he starts to go into Self-destruct mode and starts drawing me in. I cannot keep myself from going down. My own impulse to Self-destruct is still somewhat strong and I regress back there from time to time when I am deeply triggered. I do not yet have freedom from that compusion, so when he is doing it in my face, mine is energized and I cannot save myself. Not yet.
In time, I hope to gain more freedom so that I can sow less turmoil into conflict and get to resolution quicker. I have to do this without rejecting my Inner Fighter or Punisher. Otherwise I will be creating more Shadow from which more shit will fly.
I'm doing the right thing. But it is like trying to remove someone's infected apendix with a shovel. It would be great if we had better tools to do this with than shovels, but we really don't. Not yet. So, I want to be really careful. Shovels don't cure apendicitis, people do. I'm hoping that the Judge will see it my way, but if he insists that there must be a crime and there has to be a criminal, then I may have to call it off. That just won't solve anything.
There needs to be another way.
~Ww
Access: PublicTagged with: crime, criminal, Law, Restraining Order, boyfriend, Center for Nonviolent Communication, triggered, lack, need, Punisher, Worthy Self, Mother, victims, contract, anger
You're right. There is another way… but I feel it cannot be taught, it has to be found out by living.
I've really got no advice but I do want to let you know that I read this with utmost sympathy, and my heart goes out to you trying to keep on the tracks of your chosen path.
Much Love,
mushin
Oh, torture! LOL
Y'know, I think about what you're doing from time to time. I can't remember if I ever sent you a reply to your message, but it's been dancing around at the back of my brain for weeks - defying answers. What you're doing is important, and experimental. I like experimental. It's important that people have that space to take chances and see what happens.
So even in your non-answer, you've taught me that the answer must come from inside of me. This is an important truth. It's not that there's no answer or that it's some “secret”. It's that the answer is my own volition and creativity. It is as yet unmanifest. But I will create it.
“You can only show me the door. I'm the one who has to walk through it.”
~Ww
i hope this all works out for the very best for you. such a difficult situation!
You know, my dear, I wouldn't exclude the possibility of the answers coming from any place, inside, outside, in between… and actually most of the time I find answers leading to more answers with some questions in between…
Sometimes I find there is no “right” thing to do, just the one that fits with what we deeply hold to be true in this period of our life. Later we might (and I often did and do) smile about that, but in the moment it's really serious business!
Being convinced of the inherent benevolence of life (people are not always available for their inherent benevolence, they might have to learn a lesson or two before they can reconnect or learn), feeling it to be our destiny - the telos that is pulling us - everything has always turned out for the good.
But that's maybe because I know there to be only two kinds of suffering:
1. Useless
2. Made useful
Suffering is always useless if we don't use it to advance towards the fullfillment of our deepest heart's desire (because in our deepest heart the call of destiny emerges)…
Wish you strength and open hearted swordswomanship,
mushin