I have made the decisions necessary to begin my journey towards fulfilling my goal/purpose of loving people.  I got away from someone whom I still love deeply, but who wouldn't allow me to love anyone else.  I've been on both sides of this dilemma now, so I know what it's like and can empathize with both pov's.  From where I'm at right now, I don't think there is a point of resolution as long as this value is not shared by everyone involved.  There is only suffering.  I'm holding out hope that when I reach a higher level of development and relating, then I will be able to make such a person feel more honored so they will suffer less.  But I no longer feel as if I am bad or unloving because I cannot do so.  I'm just not that free and skilled yet. 

I spent the whole day, yesterday, enduring hours of begging, pleading, threatening, manipulation, bargaining, rage, and other forms of misplaced objectification in order to get what I want - freedom to develop and love and make this world a better place. 

Just in case anyone still doubts that people aren't interested in progress, the pressure to not evolve in this world is gigantic and one must pay a high price to push forward.  One teacher who I seem to have found myself drawing near to might probably agree with that and call it the pressure of ego.  I don't necessarily see it that way, nor do I care to use that confusing label.  All those thousands of years ago, the far Eastern Transcendentalists didn't know about psychology and didn't have the language to describe what is going on.  Probably the ancient Tradition that came the closest would be the Kabbalists who declared the whole world "Wounded".  I would make it even more precise by saying that we are all suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and the original "Stressor" would be being preyed upon by whomever and whatever was preying upon us back in the day.  At this particular moment, I don't feel the need to continue the contraction by isolating Evil and objectifying it as outside of myself.  When I am under the aforementioned stress, I tend to want to contract and push it away.  But I've managed to gain a little ground away from that stress for the time being, and my attitude reflects that freedom of psychic movment.  My attitude will, no doubt, soon change because it is founded on something conditional - good circumstances.  But I am aware of that and want it to change.  I don't have complete freedom yet, but I want it and I will try and get it. 

I am not merely the contraction that began in February of 1962.  More was given to me, and more will be required.  And, since God IS Willing it, I have more to offer the world than simply  personal problems and ideosycrysies.  I have been given the Life and Spirit of God - manifestly poured out for me in the archaic and primative drink offering of Jesus' Blood.  A Traditonal drink as grounded in Time and Space as the Predation of Humanity.  A drink that would soften the inhibitions of the soul as it is shared with all who would partake, and would dissolve the pretense of separateness brought on by our day-to-day sufferings. 

I don't think I'll write here often.  But I'd like to every once in a while, in order to mark time.  Today is very significant as the beginning to some very different living for me. 

Get ready.  I'm going to try and expand enough to love even you.

I've been tagged by Terri!!  Yippeeeeee!  How fun!  I've never been tagged before.  Not even on MySpace.  Okay, so here' goes!:

1.   I've given up a child for adoption.  His name is Jason and I would love to meet him now that he's over 18.
2.   I never graduated from High School. 
3.   I am on my way to becoming able to support myself financially for the first time in my life, at 44.
4.   I have no memory of ever meeting my Father.
5.   I love the artwork of Boris Vallejo and Julie Bell - their buffed out women are my physical ideal of the female body (Thank you, Jordan!).

This was difficult for me because there are very few things that no one knows about me and some things I should keep mysterious so that the people who know feel special - myself included.  Our secrets can sometimes be our last boundary and sancuary so that we don't become complete public property.  The truth is, I love telling the truth about me to people who seem to care, so I have to be careful about this.  While, Ultimately, I'm not even my own property because I belong to God/The Universe - while I'm here, developing a healthy sense of self means I am owned by myself and I am in control of who has access to me.  Saying I belong to the Universe as an excuse for my lack of boundaries and exhibitionist ways is not enlightened. 

Okay, now it's your turn!

Cain
Dwayne
Yosyama
T
Spirit Scout

I love you all.

~Whitewave